I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
