im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
