I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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