i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
These 23 People Had Sex With Someone From Completely Different Cultures
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
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I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.