if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
