how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
