Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Did I show you my penis last night?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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