dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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