Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
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On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
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My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize