Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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