Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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