Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
