u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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