I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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