I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
