If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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