Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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