i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
