whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
