Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
