So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
