when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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