After last night, I could never be a politician.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i was born a porn star she said
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
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We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
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Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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