I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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