bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
