Someone shit on the floor
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
