Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
This toilet bowl is my home.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
