and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
