We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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