The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I am available for nakedness
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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