barbara walters just said penis...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
