12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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