I don't think brook has ever known best
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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