Say something about gay babies.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Randomize
