so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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