: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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