If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
