two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor