Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.