Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i dont even know how to be here
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize