grandma shit on top of the toilet
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
