Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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