My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
