I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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