we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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