she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
