Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
