You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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