You just made me feel so damn special
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
