Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize