Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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