My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
