I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
