My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
