u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
