i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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