You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
