last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
