my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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