I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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