then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
